Beyond New Year’s Resolutions: More Compassionate (and Effective) Approaches to Personal Growth
Dr. Lisa Couperthwaite, Clinical Psychologist
As we’re getting settled in the new year, we are bombarded by subtle and not-so-subtle pressures from social media, school, workplaces, and friends that tell us we should be setting resolutions and striving to reinvent ourselves. That pressure often pushes us towards setting ambitious, sweeping goals where we promise ourselves that we will overhaul major things such as our routine, our body, master new habits, and finally become the best version of ourselves.
However, because these resolutions are usually born from cultural expectations and/or beliefs that we should do these things rather than actual genuine readiness, they tend to fizzle out. And when they do, instead of feeling relieved, we can feel worse than when we started. We end up engaging in self-critical thoughts, such as thoughts that we are not as good as others or a failure, which can leave us feeling discouraged and disappointed.
While the intention behind New Year’s resolutions can look bright and positive on the surface, framed as a “fresh start,” a “clean slate,” or new healthy habits, often, the urge to make big changes can come from a quieter place inside us. Sometimes we set resolutions because we’re unhappy with parts of ourselves, or because we carry old stories about who we should be. Those deeper feelings can make our goals more complicated than they may seem, even if we don’t always realize it. When we inevitably face a setback, we often blame a lack of willpower rather than recognizing that the goal itself was problematic.
Approaching a desire to change something by thinking that if we just set our minds to it, we can make big changes, can actually be counterproductive for our mental health. When we set rigid all-or-nothing goals, what we then view as a failure can lead to feelings of helplessness and can contribute to reduced self-esteem. This is not because we have failed or should feel bad about ourselves – it’s because goals in response to external expectations that are shaped by what we think we should want, rather than what we are genuinely ready to commit to, are harder to achieve.
That mismatch creates a few predictable problems. For example, if we are trying to motivate ourselves to comply with our resolution rather than motivation that comes from authentic interest, the energy behind the goal fades more quickly. Also, without a personal reason, the goal often does not have enough to anchor itself to when life gets busy or our motivation inevitably dips.
Now that the New Year’s resolution buzz has perhaps faded a little, it’s a perfect time to shift towards more evidence-based ways to foster growth and change that are more achievable to support your well-being.
Here are five ways we can set ourselves up for success when setting change goals that are more likely to be sustainable and support mental health wellness:
Choose goals that grow naturally from your values and focus on what makes life meaningful
The most sustainable goals are the ones that are naturally aligned with your values, as opposed to the shoulds dictated from outside yourself that lack personal meaning. Choose goals that feel naturally connected to what matters most to you and your purpose, such as your relationships, your health, or your creative pursuits. When a goal aligns with your values, it will feel less like a checkbox exercise or a chore. Instead, it will start feeling like an expression of who you already are. That internal alignment gives you something solid to return to when motivation inevitably dips.
Ask yourself some of these types of questions to help choose goals rooted in your values:
– What truly matters to me in this season of my life?
– Which parts of my life feel most meaningful to me right now?
– If no one else were watching, what would I still want to work toward?
– Does this goal feel like an expression of who I am – or who I think I’m supposed to be?
For example, if you realize that connection really matters to you, you might make a goal to call a friend once a week. If you value creativity, you might decide to set aside 10 minutes a day to sketch, write, or brainstorm. If you decide to focus on valuing your health, you might add one nourishing habit to your routine like taking a short walk after dinner.
Mental Health Benefits: When goals feel like extensions of what already matters and not obligations, the benefit will be feeling more connected to your life and what you find meaningful. It can also create a sense of purpose and direction while reducing guilt because the goal is self-chosen. The mental health benefits are strengthening self-trust and a motivation that lasts longer than willpower.
When goals come from your values, you’re not fighting yourself. Instead, you are aligning yourself. That alignment is calming.
Use Habit Scaffolding
Big changes rarely happen through willpower alone. Instead of trying to build a new habit from scratch, try Habit Scaffolding (or habit stacking). This involves anchoring a new, small behaviour onto something you already do automatically. This could look like doing one minute of deep breathing while your morning coffee brews, journaling after brushing your teeth, or taking a short walk after lunch, work, or school. These small anchors help new habits settle in without feeling like a massive overhaul and create a structure that supports you.
Try asking yourself some of these types of questions to support habit scaffolding:
– What routines do I already have that I could gently attach a new habit to?
– What is the smallest possible version of this habit I could start with?
– How can I make this easier on myself rather than harder?
– What kind of structure helps me follow through without feeling so overwhelmed?
Mental Health Benefits: Habit scaffolding has the benefit of creating a sense of easy wins, and lowering overwhelm by making change feel manageable. Over time, habit scaffolding can help build confidence and self-efficacy (i.e., a belief in your own ability to succeed) through small, consistent wins. It can also reduce decision fatigue because the habit is tied to something you already do anyway.
Habit scaffolding can create stability and predictability, which can feel soothing.
Celebrate “Micro-Progress” instead of focusing on perfection or big wins
We often overlook the tiny steps that actually are the important ones that move us forward. But micro-progress, such as five minutes of practice, one small task completed, or one moment of choosing differently, all adds up! If your goal is to go to the gym 5 days a week and you miss Monday, you might think the whole week is ruined and you may feel disappointed, or feel other negative things towards yourself, which reinforces a negative cycle. But when we notice and celebrate small shifts, we reinforce a positive sense of self.
Some questions you can ask yourself to help notice and celebrate micro-progress include:
– What tiny step did I take today that moved me even slightly in the direction I want to go?
– What did I do this week that I wouldn’t have done a month ago?
– How can I acknowledge progress without waiting for a big milestone?
– What signs show that I’m learning, even if the change feels slow?
Our values can also shape our micro-progress goals. For example, if you want to understand yourself better, you could spend 10 minutes a week journaling about what might be underneath a bad habit you want to change. If you value honesty, you might set a goal to ask yourself “what emotion is driving this bad habit (for example: fear, pride, longing, hope, other)?”If you value freedom, you might choose a micro-goal of identifying one pattern that feels restrictive and exploring where this might have come from.
Mental Health Benefits: Shifting the focus to consistency over intensity helps dismantle the perfectionist voice that can cause us to feel tired, burned out and helpless. Celebrating micro-progress can boost self-esteem by turning our attention to what’s going well, rather than what’s not. It can reduce all-or-nothing thinking. It can also encourage persistence because our progress is more visible to us. Finally, it can help shift us away from self-criticism and give ourselves more credit.
Stay curious about the deeper patterns underneath your goals
Sometimes the things we want to change are connected to long-standing habits, older stories we have told ourselves about who we are, emotional patterns that have been present for years, or other potential deeper psychological patterns. Approaching change with curiosity instead of judgement helps us understand what might be driving our behaviour. That understanding can make our goals more compassionate, realistic, and attuned to what we actually need. For example, we may set a similar resolution year after year like spending less time on social media without looking at why we spend so much time on social media in the first place. Are we scrolling to avoid anxiety? Are we bored?
Here are some questions you could consider asking yourself to explore deeper patterns with an attitude of curiosity:
– What feelings or stories come up when I even think about making this change that I’m considering?
– Have I tried something like this before? What did I learn from that experience?
– Is this goal connected to an old belief about myself that might not serve me well?
– What might this pattern be trying to protect me from, or help me cope with?
Mental Health Benefits: Directing curiosity (instead of judgement) toward your existing habits that you might want to change allows you to address the root cause of your struggles with compassion, rather than by force. It increases self-awareness and emotional clarity and can reduce shame by better understanding the potential why’s behind our behaviours. Exploring deeper patterns with curiosity also can help us be more realistic with our goal setting.
Build a Compassionate Support System
Change is easier to sustain when we are not doing it alone. A compassionate support system doesn’t have to be big or formal. It can just be a few people who you know have your back, that can listen without judgement, celebrate small wins with you, and remind you of your strengths when you’re feeling discouraged. Ideally, choose people who help you stay grounded in your values, routine, or practices that make you feel held rather than pressured. A support system can encourage you when things get difficult, and it can remind you of your why.
Our BounceBack Coaches are here to support you for a season as you consider or navigate a process of self-directed change, one step at a time. Our coaches can help encourage you to get more curious and get more in touch with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in response to situations, and get in touch with what matters most to you.
These are some of the important initial steps on the path of self-directed change because real change grows slowly from the inside out. Rather than directing or insisting on pre-set resolutions, our coaches are here to provide check-ins to answer questions and help you engage more deeply as you work through workbooks at your own pace, focusing on the areas that you decide matter most to you right now towards improving your mental health wellbeing. Real change and personal growth are not New Year’s projects and not just for January. When we connect to what matters most, we continue shaping a life that reflects our deepest values and carries meaning through every ordinary day, one moment at a time. Ready for a different kind of growth? Learn how to build lasting skills for your mental well-being at bouncebackontario.ca.
